Sunday, October 24, 2010

Dear Downstairs Neighbors,

When someone leaves your apartment, intending to be back soon, please anticipate the fact that they will indeed be back soon. Do not go take a massive dump or whatever it is that makes it impossible for you to answer their summons. Do not ignore them or sit on the couch debating whether they'll give up and wander off or flatten themselves and slip under the door, thereby saving you the effort of motion. I never hear you yelling, Just a minute! I'm coming! or Go away! I'm taking a massive dump! though I can certainly hear you say hello when the door eventually does open, which seems to imply that you just aren't coming.

This happens several times per day, and sometimes at night. It is disturbing, and though I will admit that my stress level is already at an unhealthy high, I anticipate that most people would find the sudden pounding and yelling to be let in at least marginally unpleasant. If you have hearing problems, please locate a hearing aid or provide your house-mates (and perhaps your child) with a key. You may check out additional keys for the semester at the Student Housing Office.

Thank you for your consideration. God Bless,

Your Quiet Upstairs Neighbor.

Dear Guests/House-Mates of Downstairs Neighbors,

You have an impressive sense of rhythm. The funky beat of palm (or fist) against door has been enough to make me dance in my seat a couple times. In fact, now and then I think about trying to learn it so I can duplicate it. However, I would like to make one small request. Please hear me out, and know that I respect you as an amateur musician.

Although the beat is, as previously stated, funky and impressive, it loses its impact after five straight minutes, and with the knowledge that you are not practicing for anything. I have discovered this is simply your way of knocking on the door loudly and for an annoying amount of time to alert whoever is inside to your presence, and to the fact that you would also like to be inside.

If it isn't too much trouble, would you pass this information on to your friend who yells instead of knocking? That would be greatly appreciated.

With much hope for an easier entry,

Someone who never forgets a key when someone's actually inside.

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