It's All In Your Head

I had forgotten about the anxiety part of depression, for the most part. Yes, I remember that one time in high school where my mind was spinning with so many thoughts that I simply blacked out, and yes, I've had sleepless nights since, but that doesn't hold a candle to actually spending four nights off my main depression/anxiety medication.

If you think it's all in my head, you're right. I'm trapped in here with it, and though I've never had a true manic episode, thank God, there's such a fine line between the two sides of bipolar that the depression is all worked up and I can hardly hold a thought.

I'll regret posting this later.

I'll call myself an idiot, then remind myself that I'm not technically stupid, and that there are worse things than this. I'm alive, right? Those thoughts won't comfort me, but they'll keep me busy for a while not wishing myself dead. Because really, do dead people care if they leave behind a handful of grieving and guilt-riddled people? I think not.

But I'm not wanting to die, so that's a moot point. The point is that I managed to sleep for three hours, which I'm proud of, before being trapped in my head in bed for the next two hours, messing up my covers, and thinking and rethinking the same things over and over.

How am I going to get a job, no one's hiring. I should shower and walk around town asking for a job today. On three hours sleep, on the edge of freaking out? Good luck, loser. I'm not a loser. No, I'm just a waste of space. No, you're not. You're right, this is unhealthy thinking, you should take the day off and try to relax. relax how?! I can't freaking relax! Think about something calming, think about how well that writing is going. I wanna write right now! Ugh, five a.m., she's asleep. You should be asleep. Why can't I sleep?!

Only say all those sentences at the same time repeatedly for two hours.

So hopefully my doctor will call in my prescription today, because if this is day four, I'm not going to make it to my appointment at the end of November.

I'm No Quitter

I did not quit taking my medicine. I do not enjoy crippling depression, despite how glamorous it might seem on the surface to be reduced to a pile of sobbing, third-day-shirt self-hatred for no apparent reason. Not that I don't have several damned good reasons to be depressed, like my car being out of service, being unemployed in a small town and required to search for a full-time job to get food stamps, etc.

So, funny story: My mail goes to my sister's house. She went on "vacation" and holed up in her home with her husband and their dogs, and temporarily cut off all communication with the outside world. Can't say I blame them. Unfortunately, during their solitary week, a letter came for me saying to reapply for my insurance and food stamps or they were cutting me off. I didn't get the letter, didn't respond by their date, and lost my medical insurance. Hahahaha, good one, right?

So I scraped up enough money for two of my three medications, but the third cost $99 before tax, so I didn't get that one. I did, however, get my ass in gear to get my insurance reinstated. What's really funny *chuckle* is that all this coincided with my prescriptions expiring *haha* and my doctor doesn't like to renew them without seeeing me *snicker* but I couldn't afford a doctor's appointment! Hahaha!

Well, my insurance is reinstated because my unholy terror of being left without my medications was highly motivating. Unfortunately, another of my medications expired, and though I  was finally able to get the $99 one (at the bargain price of a single dollar), I didn't take it for a few weeks, so it'll take time to build back up in my system. Because it would be too easy if they were instant-happy pills, which to my knowledge don't actually exist.

Remember I mentioned once losing my train of thought when stressed? I could reread what I've written, but I'm feeling pretty apathetic right now, which is a preferred state, so I'm not going to mess that up. The complete blanking of the mind is a relief.

So one time, at the Career Center, I applied to work at the cheese factory. Night shift. We'll see if they hire me, since I quit last time.