Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Out of My Head

If you've read more than a couple blog posts, you might have noticed that there are huge variations in my mood and state of mind. I've written blog posts about self-hatred and about hope for the future, about hating life in general and about amusing things that have happened.

I want out of my head.

This has been a hard summer, and I don't even know why. For about three weeks it's been severe depression almost constantly. Severe Depression as in sitting somewhere crying until I start to hyperventilate, getting dizzy, then forcing myself to breathe just long enough for the dizziness to go away before it's near hyperventilation again.

I don't want to go to work because hell, it's work. No one wants to go. I've gone every day except two. The first day I was hyperventilating when I called in and the person who answered the phone couldn't understand me. The second day I spent attempting to calm myself so I could go back to work on the third day.

I don't want to go to sleep. I lie in bed for an hour trying not to think, or at least to think about something that doesn't terrify me. I fall asleep and wake up several times, often from nightmares. I lie awake again for a while, and eventually I get sick of trying and get up. Then I zone out because I'm not sleeping.

I don't want to eat. I don't want to do much of anything, really. I've written a couple stories, many of which were violence-themed or crime-themed because it gets the thoughts out without me doing anything.

Here are some things people diagnosed with depression can do at home to ease the symptoms:

  • Get adequate sleep
  • Eat healthy
  • Take a walk outside/exercise

Here is how people in the throes of actual severe clinical depression might feel about that:

  • HAHAHAHA *sob sob sob*
  • Who cares about food? I'll grab what's closest so I don't starve myself. That counts, right? (Or, alternately, What does it matter? I'm worthless anyway. Gimme the choco-ballos.)
  • What does it matter? I'm worthless anyway.

I don't know how I'll make it through the next few days, let alone another thirty years of life. There's not enough good to make up for all this crap.


  1. Hugs hon. Huge mega hugs. Depression sucks big tim and I feel your pain. Try and remember the positives. You have one huge one who needs you. Beautiful A. She would be lost without you.

    Im still keeping an eye out on amazon by the way ;) xxxx

    1. A has been visiting her other parent for nearly two weeks, and it was difficult to use her as a reminder. I have list upon list of things I remind myself of when I'm down, and though none of them always works, I can usually find something. Or I sleep it off. :P

      Also, I finally wrote a short that isn't HP-related. Gang up against me with the MW crew and maybe you can peer-pressure/encourage me into it.

  2. You've already found blogging, which is good therapy for me when I'm depressed. Hang in there and keep writing. The thing about depression -- and I'm sure you know this -- is when you look back once it passes, everything isn't so hopeless. You have to remember that.

    1. It's hard to believe sometimes, but I tell myself anyway. The mental roller coaster isn't nearly as fun as it could be...