Saturday, December 29, 2012

Suicide Plan

Sometimes random thoughts pop up, like what if I drove off this cliff right now? or I wonder if I really would explode if I finished this cake? You're not supposed to worry about them if they flicker and disappear. The thought is gone, you don't want to die, all is well, your mind was just being a jerk. It's when you know how you'd kill yourself that things get iffy.

I didn't sit down and think up a suicide plan, but it's kind of fallen into place. When I found out that some antidepressants can not only cause suicidal thoughts, but also kill you, I opted not to look up any of my medications online, and just assume that they'd make me puke or something. That left me with nothing, because I can't handle the thought of a bleedy, painful death.

At some point I read an article online about how unglamorous suicide is. Not that I thought it was glamorous, but there were some harsh realities—like the fact that most people can't afford a cleaning service to clear out corpse mess—that really got to me. Somehow, being dead seemed fine, but my sister or my father having to clean my bodily fluids out of a bathtub, car, or bed was just gross. I take that as a sign that I've still got some sanity left.

Simple solution to that one, though; do it at a hospital, or in the parking lot in front of the hospital. Whatever it is.

At some point I was researching medications for a personal writing project and came across a definitely-deadly antidepressant. I was reading along, minding my own business, when I got to the list of generic versions of the drug. Oh look, I've been taking it all along.

Suicide plan: accidentally complete.

I don't know, would I really drive all the way across town and walk into the hospital? That seems like an awful lot of prep work for someone who's decided that life is so horrible that even an eternity of hell is better (or at least no different). Plus, there's a chance of being saved. Then there's also the likelihood of being dragged into their "stress unit."

Eh, I really don't feel like planning this out, so I guess I'll just have to keep living a while longer.

One time, at the cheese factory, they wouldn't hire me back because I quit over a decade ago. I guess I should have let them fire me.

P.S. Don't kill yourself. Note: I am currently taking my own advice.


  1. So, I clicked on your blog after seeing it on the book of adam facebook. Please don't kill yourself. It can really destroy the lives of the people who love you. I'm sure people love you. Reach out and demand help. I don't know you, but had a friend kill themself last year. It was devastating. I wish I could have told her this.

    1. "Reach out and demand help." I haven't heard it put like that before. You've given me something to think about, so thank you.